[	Current Mood	|	poetic	]
[	Current Music	|	((Monkey Goes To Heaven - The Pixies	]

Ahhh...more poems....Aren't you all so thrilled?

“MISSING”

Where is my moon hidden?

Though the stars up high burn bright tonight

My dear moon has not yet risen.

Is it light throughout the night that has been forbidden?

I only wish to see its glow

Where is my moon hidden?

All of my hopes and dreams for this dark time are overridden

I can merely stumble without it

Where is my moon hidden?

Out of the sky the sun has slidden

And now I lie in silent wait

Where is my moon hidden?

I sit at home, so grief-stricken

A sense of loss with so much missing

Where is my moon hidden?

As sleep at long last comes unbidden

My last conscious thought is this:

Where is my moon hidden?

My dear moon has not yet risen…

“SOLITAIRE”

Haunting thoughts consume

Tonight and I lay quiet

Alone without you.

“FEEBLE ATTEMPTS”

All I want now is to be yours

As you beg forgiveness for this crime

Your heart welcomes me back with open doors

All I want now is to be yours

Prepared to bear my open sores

As I read your beloved rhyme

All I want is to be yours
As you beg forgiveness for this crime

[	Current Mood	|	The "nerdy" smiley is gone...	]
[	Current Music	|	((I Caught Fire - The Used)	]

Today was really good.  Jimmy got a little depressed around the middle of the day, but other than that, everything was excellent.  I don't really like Alan anymore (first time in three years, woot!) and I am completely focused on Jimmy again (Alan never liked me anyways, why bother?).  Right now, Jimmy and I are chatting through the guestbook on his band's website because he can't talk on the phone until his parents come home.  Here's our convo if you want to read it, lol.  Did some more poems last night (I know this is pathetic, bear with me).

“ATTITUDE REVERSED”

Sometimes

It is so

Amazing how something

That once depressed you can make you

So happy.

“MY POSITION HAS CHANGED”

Sometimes I can’t believe the things I hear.

Am I still your daughter,

Do you still hold me dear?

“CONFUSING”

Lonely

Without a

Heart to call my home and

So utterly confused about

Life now.

“TEENAGE TREDIPATIONS”

Mixed

Up, Unsure,

Confused and so doubtful

Every step I take misguided,

Teenage

My world

Upside-down,

My heart beats so alone

No one who cares; nobody cares

At all

Do these

Feelings mean

Anything or are they

Those teenage trepidations that

I hate?

Myself

Despised, my

Life so meaningless… I

Am just a teen so I do not

Matter

Should I

Leave or should

I stay?  So confused; I

Am suffering from teenage

Trepidations

“HIDING FROM LIFE”

Life is

Too short to

Hold back when you’re truly

Living…  Everyone should live before

They die

“FORGIVE AND FORGET”

All those

Things you said,

The knives plunged through my heart.

My open, bleeding wounds, so long left,

Heal now

“DON’T ASSUME”

You think

Tonight is

Just another meaningless

Depression, but you just wait ‘til

I’m gone.

“IN MEMORY OF KURT COBAIN”

You were

Happy, you

Were framed.  Your loyal fans

Do not condemn you for heartless

Murder.

“THE MARIONETTE”

They tug

On your strings

But you do not notice.

You do exactly what they tell

You to.

You think

You are a

Real boy, but you have been

Tricked.  You are still just a toy, a

Puppet.

“THE SAINT”

My sins,

Vivid and

Unrepented, not yet

Cleansed from my conscience, haunt

Again

“SUMMERTIME HAS BEEN LONG GONE”

Autumn

Continues on,

Leaves still falling from our

Dead tree.  The coldest time is yet

To come.

“LIVING WITHOUT HIM”

My heart is cold

But my body still breathes
With no hand to hold.

I know my poems suck, but I can't help it.  They're kind of my stress relief after the whole cutting fiasco I guess, so yeah.  Hungry, getting food. I'm making a website too, so whenever I do that I'll post.  Ok, see you later?  Talk to you?  Whatever.  Bye!

[	Current Mood	|	Rawr	]
[	Current Music	|	((Polly - Nirvana))	]

Nargie..  My parents have been pissing me off lately.  Just because i have like 5 black shirts and wear them with 1 black skirt, jeans, and converse, it's like they hate me.  It makes me so mad.  They don't even see their daughter any more...they just see the clothes she wears.  They've always told me not to judge people, but here they are doing just that!  i'm not allowed to buy anything black anymore and it's not the fact that i can't do that anymore that pisses me off, it's the reason!  Arrrgggh.  Parents suck so much.

I've been writing a ton of poetry today and I thought I'd post some of it on here...most of it's about Alan, but one's about Jimmy and then there's some about my parents and fucked up American society.

“THINKING”

I think about the troubles he has helped me rise above

And the lattice of his great blue eyes, always full of love,

In the dark of the night when there is nothing better

And silently wish that we were together.

“LONELY”

Alone

No one else

Who cared enough for me

Until the day he met my eyes

I fell.

You were

The one who

Cared but now you, dear, are

Taken and I am left here

Alone.

“CLEANSING”

Rain falls

Wets my hair

Washes the day off of

Me and drowns my sorrows at

Long last.

“CHANGING THE WORLD”

Freedom lies in being bold,

Forget the rules your mother told;

The change you’ve always yearned to make,

Now is the only chance you have to take.

“YOU’VE BEEN GONE SO LONG”

I miss that face, that voice, that smile,

You were what made school days worthwhile;

They always brought summer and summer brought you,

But you’ve been gone so long and I don’t know what to do.

“YOU AND HER”

I wish

We were more

Than friends just because she

Consumes your every thought now,

Not me

“MISSED MY CHANCE”

I had

My one chance

Fucked it up long ago

Now you’re hers, no chance for me

So sad

“LYING IN WAIT”

Wishing,

Waiting for

Him to be open to

My unreturned feelings for

Him, sad

“YOU AND ME”

Just you and me

That’s what I desperately want it to be,

You and you alone

The only way you’ll ever see me is if we’re on the phone.

“STORYBOOK ENDING”

I don’t

Really know

The story but I’m not

A character or a part

Of your happy ending

 “PORCH MEETINGS”

We would

Sit and talk

About our lives and goals

And now we struggle to catch up
Again

[	Current Mood	|	awwww...	]
[	Current Music	|	((Heart Shaped Box - Nirvana))	]

Today was pretty good.  Yelled at Kyleigh a little in business because she kept screwing up our radio commericial, meaning that I couldn't finish our powerpoint, meaning that I had to take it home to do it (rawr, Kyleigh, rawr!).  And I figured out what to do about my little Alan v. Jimmy dilemma.

There is a line in the movie Citizen Kane, which I've never seen, that goes like this: "A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn't see me at all, but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl."  I guess that's how it is now....  I had my chance to get Alan a year ago when I was still in Waterford but I didn't take it, and so now I'll never have him. He's moving soon, he has a girlfriend, and he just doesn't feel that way about me.  I have Jimmy, he has whoever it is he has, and that's the end of the story I suppose.... 

          Much love,

                                  Sam

Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed, take notice, take interest, take me with you.
But all our fears fall on deaf ears.
Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies,
While closing our caskets cold and tight
But I'm dying to live.

[	Current Mood	|	Hehehehehe...	]
[	Current Music	|	Yellow-Coldplay	]

Hey I'm bored and have nothing to do and Jimmy's not home so I guess I'll just update....again...

 gEnErAl `
[ x ] first name: Sam
[ x ] gender: female
[ x ] age: 13
[ x ] birthday: July 9th
[ x ] height: 5'4
[ x ] hair color: blonde with a little tangerine left from the dye...I miss it lol
[ x ] eye color: brown
[ x ] race: um...white?
[ x ] do you have braces: haha no I don't suck like Andrea...j/p lol
[ x ] is your hair long or short: middle
[ x ] where were you born: California
[ x ] current location: Grand Blanc
[ x ] zodiac sign: Cancer
[ x ] how many languages do you know: I'm learning one
[ x ] nationality: British, Irish...idk I'm just this huge European orgy lol
[ x ] bad habits: I bite my nails, and go on the computer too much, and play The Sims 2 too much...but thats not *bad*
[ x ] piercings you have: ears (2)
[ x ] piercings you want: another ear
[ x ] tattoos you have: n/a
[ x ] tattoos you want: Rose on my lower back maybe and maybe the Elvish 9 on my ankle..I'll probably never do it though lol

... FaVoRiTe `
[ x ] number: 9, 17
[ x ] clothing brands: idk, does it matter?
[ x ] tv show: I Love The __s and Best Week Ever on VH1
[ x ] sport: n/a
[ x ] vegetable: mushroom
[ x ] fruit: strawberries
[ x ] movie: The Lord of the Rings, The Phantom of the Opera, and Sixteen Candles
[ x ] magazine: Entertainment Weekly
[ x ] male celebrity: Johnny Depp
[ x ] female celebrity: They all suck
[ x ] candy: Whatchamacallit//Kit-Kat//Take 5//Gummi strawberries//Gummi bears
[ x ] gum: watermelon or Extra Spearment
[ x ] candy bar: Whachamacallit//Kit Kat//Take 5
[ x ] ice cream flavor: chocolate chip cookie dough
[ x ] color(s): green, black, red
[ x ] season: fall
[ x ] holiday: Christmas
[ x ] band: Green Day, Taking Back Sunday, Modest Mouse, Matchbook Romance
[ x ] TV channel: VH1
[ x ] store: Hot Topic
[ x ] shape: heart
[ x ] time of day: 4th/5th Hour

... PrIvAtE LiFe `
[ x ] do you have a crush: yes
[ x ] do you love anyone right now: yes
[ x ] have you ever been in love: I'm in love
[ x ] how many people broke your heart: I thought someone did but they didn't really...turns out I broke theirs *evil grin*
[ x ] so moving along..do you smoke: no
[ x ] are you a virgin: yes
[ x ] told the person you liked how you felt: yeah
[ x ] skinny dipped: omg thats so fun!
[ x ] stolen anything: yeah
[ x ] been to a concert: unfortunately not...u suck Andrea
[ x ] broke a law: most likely
[ x ] given money to a homeless person: I don't see them

. . . LaSt `
[ x ] person you talked to in person: my dad
[ x ] person you talked to online: Kacie
[ x ] person you talked to on the phone: Jimmy
[ x ] person that pranked you: nobody?
[ x ] person you hugged: Jimmy
[ x ] person that made you smile/laugh: Jimmy
[ x ] movie you rented: Chocolat, The Notebook, and King Arthur

Yeah I know you guys all care so much about that stuff but I'm bored so yeah....

[	Current Mood	|	not awake yet	]
[	Current Music	|	Marvelous Things-Eisley	]

Hey!  Sorry I didn't update yesterday.  Well, Jimmy and I got things on track and that was all good, so I was pretty happy.  Then the next day I got into school and he handed me this...well, I guess I can just call it a note even if it wasn't really...anyways, on the front it said "For the times when I can't be there to tell you...."  So I opened it up and it said: "To my one and only:"

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, I love you and I always will.

It was so sweet.  He told me it was for the times that I was sad and he couldn't be there to tell me how much he cared about me.  He told me that he never wanted me to doubt how much he loves me and how happy he is that he has me and how I am his life.  I love it when he's romantic, which is a good majority of the time.

I hope I get to go to his house tomorrow.  Last night we were talking on the phone, I was starting to fall asleep because it was late, and it reminded me of last Sunday when I was at his house and ended up falling asleep in his arms and waking up to him kissing me.  I miss that.  Sorry, I know I'm being pathetic. 

Well, sorry I don't have much to talk about.  School's boring, life's boring, blah blah blah...

[	Current Mood	|	Undeniably in Love	]
[	Current Music	|	Lip Gloss And Black-Atreyu	]

If I gave you pretty enough words
Could you paint a picture of us that works?

Live, Love, Burn, die.....

I need to talk to him.....

[	Current Mood	|	confused	]
[	Current Music	|	Promise-Matchbook Romance	]

Hi.  This is my first entry, so I guess I should say a little about me.  Not much really matters except that I am in eighth grade and have a boyfriend, Jimmy, who I have been going out with for 5 months as of yesterday.  Normally we get along really well and as much as you probably don't believe me, I really do love him.  Well today we were talking and I made a joke about me being ugly in response to something he said and he got really depressed.  He said that he didn't know if he made me happy and he didn't see why I got so sad when I loved him so much and I just burst into tears.  I couldn't help it.  He does make me happy, happier than anyone in the world, but why can't I be sad every once in a while?  Everyone is sad some of the time, no matter who they're with.  He was just like, "Oh, no, baby, don't cry.  Please don't cry.  I can't stand to hear you cry."  I told him about how I had the right to be sad and everything and he told me that I was right and apologized, but we didn't get any better.  The rest of the 45 minutes until he got kicked off the phone was him saying that he couldn't take this anymore and me crying and crying and crying.  Then he would beg me not to cry, and I told him how could I help it if I realized that everything he had ever told me was a lie and he was just going to leave me.  He was so confused.  "What?"  "You keep saying you can't take this anymore, what am I supposed to do?  Smile and wait for you to do it?  Do it already."  "What?  I meant that I can't take you saying bad things about yourself and putting yourself down.  It kills me, Sam."  Then his dad kicked him off and, since I was home alone, I just went downstairs in the kitchen, and ended up crying on the floor for 20 minutes straight.

I guess this isn't the best way to introduce you to him.  I mean he kind of sounds like an a.sshole, but usually he's really sweet and romantic, but it kills me when we get like this.  I do everything for him, or so it seems--I get up in the morning to see him, I wake up an hour earlier just so that I can wear my hair down because I know he prefers it that way.  All day long I go out of my day to see him.  Maybe I put in too much effort, maybe I'm trying to hard, I don't know.  But I do know that I don't think I can take feeling like this much more.  I just can't.....  Part of me thinks I should break up with him, but then I think about all the happy times, and I know that these rough patches end, and he always tells me about how he would rather die than live a life without me, because I am what makes his life worthwhile.  And it's the same for me.  I know that truly I don't want to break up with him, or take a break from him, I just want to know that I make him happy and that 10 or 20 years down the line, if  I still don't think much of myself and I still get depressed every now and then, that it won't make him miserable and regret being with me.  Am I crazy for thinking that?  Am I insane for wanting to make him happy?

Well got to go, I'll try to update this often.  Bye.